15 days

365 days. The number of days in a year-

The number of days it takes for all four seasons to complete their purpose. 

178- The approximate number of days it takes mother earth to prepare her home for the surrender of Autumn; to brace herself and everything in creation for the colder winds of Winter. 

187 days- The approximate number of days we relish in the gradual increase of warmth that produces the growth of Spring that blossoms into the freedom, joy and laughter of Summer. 

15 days- The number of days I’ve wept myself to sleep because of being unjustly and momentarily stripped of tangibly relishing in a love deeper than the depths of my soul for a purpose bigger than I can fathom; The number of days I’ve embraced winter without clutching the preparation of autumn. 

15 days- The number of days I’ve questioned God for answers to reasons far beyond my comprehension, meanwhile trusting in a purpose orchestrated by him-  the one who is faithful, merciful, and just. 

A precious friend sent me this song last night. It’s  written by a dear college friend- Chris Brown, the beautiful Kari Jobe, Steven Furtick and Cody Carnes. 

Scripture says, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6) .

To those in my village who see me, who have surrounded me with love and prayer in this season of forfeiting that’s preparing me for a season of fullness with my precious littles -

My heart might be aching and feel empty right now; but my soul is full and resting in perfect peace today for what’s to come, because every single one of you have stood in the gaps for me with prayer and supplication. You’ve full-filled needs I didn’t even know how to express and you’ve filled my soul with comforting reminders that he is near and he is for me...and for that, I’m eternally grateful. 

‘The Blessing’ Lyrics-

The Lord bless you
And keep you
Make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His
Face toward you

And give you peace 

Amen, amen, amen

May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children

My word for the year.

I waxed and waned as I felt compelled to choose a word for this year. 

It has been a while since I’ve done this, but...

Tonight, I caught a glimpse of my daughter’s bucket list. I observed it, pondered it and finally discerned it in all it represents. 

Elizabeth Kathrine. 

Elizabeth- “Consecrated to God”.  

Kathrine- “Pure”.  
“Ellie Kate”.I named her, then nick-named her the moment I knew I was expecting her. I felt in my heart God had blessed me with a girl. Indeed he had. She is a force to be reckoned with (in case you’ve never met her). She’s reserved, yet confident, decisive, fierce, stronger than any human I know, and quite frankly put- she’s just..well, one of the really good ones. I’m not just saying that because she’s one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever been entrusted with, ask anyone who knows her well. Even though I often joke about her being a 35 year old in a 12 year old body, the fact of the matter is, she is still only 12 and she’s still watching and listening to me. It was reflected in her bucket list. Honestly, I feel like a pretty lame mom for neglecting that reality just because she’s such an old soul with more logic and sound judgment than most adults I know. The truth and the bold reality is that even old souls still need their mama, require leadership, boundaries, guidance, encouragement and a whole lot of wisdom. 

Jude Goodwin.

Jude-“Praise” 

Goodwin- “Friend of God” and my mother’s maiden name. 

I’ll never forget praying for a baby brother with Ellie Kate after we’d watched ‘The Wizard of Oz’ for the umpteenth time on a pallet of blankets and pillows in our living room while her dad was away for work. We prayed, trusted, and God answered our quiet, small prayer late that night. 

Jude Goodwin- That boy has gifted me with more understanding, empathy, and a reason to praise than I could ever express in words. Though often times he seems aloof, his heart of gold, willingness to   please, desire to make humankind smile, and his wild nature remind me to see the world through the eyes of my children each and every day. He also, reminds me that I’m still that 8 year old kid in a 34 year old body...and that’s okay. He’s a ray of laughter and sunshine on the gloomiest of days. He’s a stream of consciousness when everyone else is afraid to say it out loud and he’s not afraid to color outside the lines.
Hayden Eva. 
Hayden-“Fire” 
Eva-“Full of life”. 

I didn’t choose her name but God gave me the most beautiful gift of being a stepmom to this petite soul when I married Ryan. Her quiet, tender, conscientious personality reminds me that who we are is engrained soul deep. She encourages me without words to constantly encourage with words and reminds me to be intentional. They say motherhood is the purest love you’ll ever know. Friends, I’m here to tell you with out a doubt that the love of a mama extends beyond whether or not you’ve physically birthed a child, because I love and know that precious girl inside and out just like my “own”.

Motherhood. In all its glory..From trusting God’s goodness in seasons of pain, heartache, loss, and plea-full prayer; to seasons of grace, mercy, and prayerful praise- my children have been a picture of his goodness in every season and an affirmation that HE has called us each and every one by name... just like the very name I gave my children when he, in all his omniscience, whispered those names into my heart the moment they were entrusted to me...Yet, he didn’t stop there. He entrusted me with a name I’d never anticipated through the most unexpected and beautiful gift of being a stepmother.The beauty of this life, not just in motherhood but in it all, is that he has a perfect plan specifically for you and me as individuals to live out authentically. It's much easier to live that out when we take the time to truly observe not just inwardly, but outwardly as well. 

Pure: without any extraneous and unnecessary elements. 

Lately, I’ve been so busy trying to physically keep up that I’ve neglected taking the time to be grounded in the moment, soak in my surroundings, and discern the here and now, so that I hear HIS voice above the rest. 

My prayer for 2019 is that I will have eyes to see, a heart that embraces the gift of discernment that was given to me by the one who calls me by name, and the courage to stand firmly, confidently, and unapologetically in that truth. Or in the lyrics of my favorite band, Mumford and Sons, 

“Keep the earth below my feet

For all my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Keep my eyes to serve and my hands to learn.”

Which is why this year, my word of the year is Discern. 

Discern : to detect with the eyes: or to detect with senses other than vision.

Do you choose a word for the year? I’d love to hear yours! Happy 2019, friends❤️

Soul deep.

“The most beautiful people wear their hearts on their sleeves, and their souls in their smiles ...” 
I read this quote recently and it stopped me dead in my tracks because I remembered:

I struggled in school..not necessarily academically (although often times that was the case in subjects I was uninterested in), I struggled most as an empath...as an artistically inclined personality and abstract thinker in the concrete mindset that is often private school. I remember my mom being honest with me my 9/10th grade year about the feedback from one of the teachers she’d conferenced with concerning my status as a student. She said, “Ms. ‘So and so’ said that your “problem” is that you wear your heart on your sleeve. That you’re going to have to learn to toughen up and stop being so sensitive.” My “problem”? As if being a tender, sensitive soul in a broken world was somehow wrong. I don’t know to this day what my Mom’s feelings were, (because I never asked) I do know this, I was too immature then to realize that Ms. ‘So and so’s’ advice had more to do with her own heart than it did mine. I did (embarrassingly) try her advice out for several years and it was miserable, not just for me but for those around me. It severed friendships and left me empty. See, insensitivity is not a personality trait I was given when God created and formed me. Pretending and using my imagination has always been an outlet for me, but not in this case. Trying to be someone you were never created to be is like wearing a suit that doesn’t fit. And let me tell you, after trying that particular suit on, I had no intention of tailoring it to fit the opinions of that said teacher... or others for that matter. Especially after I paid the price of trying to conform. 

In an effort to conform, I earned the stripes of rightful criticism from peers and the deserved judgement that one receives when acting like a jerk. 

My mom finally allowed me to switch schools after a long talk and several dramatic attempts to gain a fresh start. 

In that fresh start, I found my tribe of wallflowers....A tribe of liberals, full of open-mindedness, and acceptance of a fellow troubadour who wears their heart on their sleeve and has an intolerance for bull crap. I found a tribe of people who have lived, seen, and heard the unspoken; and for some of us, survived the the unbearable pain of things far beyond our years. 

Today, after a lifetime of things that could have made me a bitter human being, I am thankful that the silver lining in it all is this- I caught an early glimpse of the destruction that bitterness creates. 

I hope that somehow through it all, this road my maker has asked me to walk has made me a better, less bitter human being. If nothing else, I know that it has taught me that wearing your heart on your sleeve might make some humans uncomfortable, but that’s okay- Healing isn’t always soft and tender, it’s often in contrast. What that suggestion from one bitter teacher has taught me is that wearing my heart on my sleeve can often times provide empathy- an unspoken notion of, “I see you and I’ve been there too.” Or sometimes it’s simply a silent cry for help to those who can hear the words that you’re unable to communicate. 

It’s the reality that others have been there. It’s the sobering truth that being something or someone who isn't you causes more damage than the healing that vulnerability allows. 

For me, looking back, it was also this: An unspoken notion from my mother which stated, “You are strong and I believe that you are mature enough to handle the ugly truth of humanity well beyond your physical years.” So thank you to the teacher who tested my strength but even more thanks to my mother who knew my strength and trusted in my wisdom.❤️
So I leave you with this tender souls; Beauty, in it’s rawest form, is always soul deep.