A couple of months ago I was asked by She Magazine to do an interview about blended families for their May issue. The introvert in me immediately thought twice about it. Then, I thought about how God allows us as Christians to go through certain things so that we can be used by him and for him.
If my little blended family's redemption story could give someone hope; or if the gospel of Jesus passes through the ears of even one reader, then my story is not in vain.
Psalm 115:1 says, " Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness."
I wanted to share that article (published and edited by She Magazine) with you, here on the blog.
.."When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being all sorts of things: a teacher, an artist, a writer… Most of all, however, I wanted to be married with a house full of kids. Now that I’m older, my dreams are a reality. As a wife and mother, I get to be all of those things and more!
I grew up in a small town where everybody knew everybody. I had “mother hens” watching out for me everywhere I went! My mom, who was always present, was never far behind. The most important things my mom taught me were: 1) As a Christian, I should always leave something better than I found it, and 2) A close-knit family and community are very important.
My mom’s mother and my dad’s mother were also very involved in my life. Through two generations of these women, I was led and taught by example. I learned that life does have a safe place and that wisdom is gained through God’s Word. There’s nothing that can’t be fixed by a slice of cake, a glass of sweet tea, and taking shade next to your grandmother under the porch on a rickety, old porch swing.
My mom’s genuine concern and love for others inspire me the most. I admire the ways in which she cares for her community and family, how she helps others by taking food or clothes when families are struggling, or by giving a friend a ride to a doctor’s appointment. As my uncle was dying of cancer, I watched my mom care for him until he took his last breath. Without ever thinking twice, she did the humble, dirty work that no one sees. That memory of her serving him at his weakest will forever be etched in my mind not only as a picture of her character but also as a picture of the humility of Jesus Christ.
I met my husband, Ryan, a couple of years ago in our neighborhood while out on a walk. We became good friends first, and our relationship blossomed from there. I believe a really important prerequisite to marriage is a solid friendship with someone who can make you laugh until your side hurts. Ryan’s daughter, Hayden, was with him the first time we met. Pieces of her personality reminded me so much of my own when I was her age. Her shy, quiet demeanor and observant eye made me feel like I was staring my four-year-old self right in the eye. As my relationship with Ryan became more serious, I often thought about my role in Hayden’s life. I prayed (and still pray) that I would never over-step boundaries with her or her mom and that I could give her an example of a gentle, quiet spirit with a heart full of grace, love, and beauty. When Ryan and I began to talk about marriage, we gently introduced the idea to Hayden and to my two children, Ellie Kate and Jude. We wanted to do it gently so that we could prepare their hearts and minds for a new adjustment. I know and understand why God hates divorce - it hurts His children. I also know that we serve a God of second chances who can turn the darkest situations into a beautiful testimony of His grace. It’s what He did when He gave up His Son as a ransom for our sin, and it’s what He did for our newly blended family after the devastating effects of divorce.
Thankfully, our children were thrilled about the idea of being stepsiblings. All three of our children absolutely adore each other. They seemed to be as eager as I was in counting down the days to when Ryan would finally pop the question! There was a specific day when I felt like the Lord nudged me and gave me very clear insight into the fact that Ryan would be the one I would marry. I was reading Proverbs 31 during my quiet time. This was a passage I’d read so many times before, but this particular time was different. I’ve always viewed this scripture as an example of the woman I should aspire to be. This time, though, my heart understood the character of this woman. Her ways no longer looked like a checklist or just an example I should follow. Instead, her ways suddenly looked like a natural response to a man and family deserving her best along with the reward and the blessing of genuine love, respect, and admiration. I wanted to be that type of woman and do those things for Ryan, not because I felt like it was my duty, but because I genuinely loved and respected him. It was at that moment that I realized I wanted to be the one who was there walking alongside him as his helpmate to encourage him, to complement the man he is, and to pray for him every day for the rest of his life.
When Ryan proposed, I was so excited that I couldn’t wait to get home and share it with the kids. I was so humbled that out of all the women in the world, God would choose me to be Hayden’s stepmom. Our wedding day was so special because I not only gained a husband, but I gained a daughter as well. Our pastor took a moment to talk to the kids during our ceremony and reminded them that our wedding day wasn’t just about Ryan and me but that through our marriage God was joining all five of us together as a family. Through both of our families, our children would have an even bigger circle of people to love them, teach them, and lead them. It was such a beautiful picture of Isaiah 61.
To me, the most important things in a blended family are having a gospel-centered focus, communication with your spouse, and a successful relationship with your stepchildren. For us, that meant getting to know each particular child first and foremost. We agreed that it was vital to really get to know each child and to establish a relationship before we even considered implementing discipline with them. As we grew together to be one family, we believed in a very subtle approach. We discussed boundaries with each other’s ex-spouses and the importance of respecting their wants and needs while the children were in our home. It’s important to be on the same page with your stepchild’s other parent. Supporting the ex-spouse’s wishes, as well as those of your spouse, gives the children a sense of stability and trust in your role as the stepparent. It also makes for a very peaceful, content atmosphere in the home.
Being Hayden’s stepmother has brought me joy in ways that I could never have imagined. I’ve watched her blossom and grow. After Ryan and I married, I watched her transition from being an only child to gaining two siblings in our home, and it has been the sweetest thing to witness. When I step back and watch her with her new siblings, I see the excitement. Hearing the belly laughs from the next room, I peek in to see them having the time of their lives just being together and knowing that, no matter what, they have each other. My relationship with Hayden is continuing to grow. We love playing dress-up, dancing, having tea parties, playing tag, painting pictures, sneaking up on Ryan and tickling him when he least expects it, and going on walks to observe nature so she can learn new things. I try and teach her the same truths and life lessons my family taught me. As she grows older, I want to teach Hayden that there will be times when God will allow you to experience more than you can handle in life, but it’s only because He wants us to learn to trust in Him, taking comfort in Him during those times and remembering that no matter what we are given in this life, He still loves us unconditionally.
Hayden’s mom is very present and involved in her life, and I want to make sure that I respect her by not being overbearing or trying to take her place in any given situation. Despite this, I’ve still gained a beautiful relationship with Hayden. It has compelled me to be very diligent in my role as a stepmother. I don’t want to be careless but purposeful as I come alongside in raising and having such a huge influence on someone else’s child. Hayden has inspired me to be even more intentional as a mother. I want to make sure everyone feels equally loved. It would devastate me if any of the three kids felt like he or she was loved less just because of being a stepchild. I’m very intentional about making sure they know they all equally belong here in our home and that they are to love, respect, support, and protect each other as siblings.
During the first months of motherhood, I read a quote by Spurgeon that has stuck with me since my journey began. “You are as much serving God in looking after your own children, and training them up in God’s fear, and minding the house, and making your household a church for God, as you would be if you had been called to lead an army to battle for the Lord of hosts.” It’s not about me, but it’s about teaching my children and encouraging them to be who God created them to be. Ultimately, they are not mine. They belong to the Lord. He has entrusted my children to me as their earthly mother, and it’s my responsibility to train them up in His grace and admonition. I’m looking forward to what the future will bring for our little blended family, whom we refer to as The Sherman Five. I’m also looking forward to the woman Hayden is going to become, the memories that we will make in the process, and the relationship we will continue to build.
In our home, grace is extended daily. It’s imperative in a home where boundaries are tested, and everyone is getting to know each other. We are so blessed that our children love each other like they have always been brother and sisters. Like any family, blended or not, there are disagreements and times when everyone isn’t going to get along, but that’s where grace really comes into play, and we teach them how to deal with those things according to scripture. Those are the teachable moments that will stick with them for a lifetime. There are also teachable moments for us as their parents. Seeing the hugs and hearing “I love you” after disagreements give us a beautiful picture of what the unconditional love of Christ in our own lives looks like. It’s a reminder of the importance of a Christ-centered home. Above all, we just want our children to know and to understand the Gospel. I believe that no matter what the circumstances are, if we stay focused on that truth and know that as their earthly parents we have done what God has entrusted to us, then we’ve done our job.
Jennifer Sherman is a homemaker who resides in Florence, South Carolina, with her husband, Ryan. She has two children, Ellie Kate and Jude, and one stepdaughter, Hayden. In her spare time, Jennifer enjoys blogging and dabbling in artistry."
