Strength in pain.

What a beautiful comfort to know that he hears us. 

"And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for."

1 John 5:15

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching lately.

I'll never forget my grandad telling me years ago, " wherever you go there you are." 

He always has a way with me and my stubborn ways and I always heed his instruction... Maybe not immediately, but in the end his voice is always there with its calm, but stern instruction echoing until it finally hits home. 

I feel like for the first time in what feels like forever, I'm finally comfortable and confident in my own skin. 

I know there's always room for improvement, but for the first time I feel content and settled. 

I finally feel like things are falling into place just like they should.

It took me a while to get here though.  

See, I grew up in a safe and secure home. Things weren't always perfect, but they were good. I was raised in church, in a Christian home. I knew I was loved and for the most part, life was easy. 

Aside from a few struggles in my youth, and facing things that forced me to grow up faster than I'd hoped, I've lead a pretty normal life. 

I was thinking that it's so funny how you grow up in this picturesque, cookie-cutter home- You think that's how life in the real world works. 

Then life actually happens. Things you can't control show up at your doorstep and you're left with two choices: You can choose the easy way/your way,  or you can choose God's way. 

After the unexpected death's of family members and watching those I love hurt so deeply, along with other struggles I faced during my teen years into adulthood, there were times when I wanted so badly not to feel anything. Times when I became cold, aloof, alone and so afraid. Times when I became a little too good at driving people away. 

I wanted so desperately to choose the easy way out. I wanted to run from every feeling and emotion that started to swell up inside me. 

And I did. 

For several years I rode a roller coaster, ran from myself, and I faked it. 

That wasn't me, and I knew that wasn't who God created me to be. 

It wasn't until my family of four was ripped apart and I was stripped of everything except my children, my friends and immediate family that I realized this- Sometimes you have to lose the vision you have for your life in order to gain the life that God, in all his sovereignty,  has designed for YOU for HIS glory. 

I laid in bed last night and prayed for my children. 

I hate that they have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s sin at such a young age. 

It breaks my heart to know that they are probably the ones who have suffered most from our previous family being ripped apart. 

But then it hit me..that verse that I've always clung to during the coldest of days. The one echoing in my heart when everything else seems to fade away. 

 Romans 5:3-5

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

I’ve quoted this verse to my children in so many circumstances, but it finally occurred to me that they will eventually get it (if they haven’t already).

They will know that they are loved by their mom and dad, by their step-parents/grandparents, family, friends, and most of all that they are loved deeply and unconditionally by their Heavenly Father. That His love has been poured out into their hearts through the Holy Spirit and he has blessed them with so much more through their sufferings. My prayer is that they will understand the consequences of sin, because they knew too early the effects of it.

Later in life, when their hearts are soft towards the pain of others, my hope is that they will understand that their own suffering was for a purpose.

Later on, when they are faced with choices of their own, my heart's cry is that they won't choose their own way, instead they will choose God's way and will be obedient to His will for their life. That they will choose to trust in every circumstance, because they know that so often our suffering is used for His glory. 

I pray that they hide this in their heart. 

I hope that one day they will understand why I shared this verse so often in our home. That like the voice of my grandad in the backside of my mind, these words will echo in every circumstance for them until it finally hits home.