Beauty for ashes...

Today wanted to share the story of how and why I chose the tattoo for my arm. 

When deciding on this tattoo, I knew it better be something extremely thought out and something VERY, VERY personal!  These are the questions I asked myself:

What is the most important thing in my life? What is something I carry in my heart on a daily basis and will continue to carry. What is my passion? My first love. What makes me feel something even when I don't want to? To face my fears when I feel like I can't. 

After thinking long and hard. 'Beauty for Ashes' is what I decided. Sounds weird and makes no sense right? Good.  That way more people have to ask what it means. 

This is the passage it came from:

Isaiah 61-

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to comfort all who mourn, to bestow on them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—"

Way back in 'bible times' men would put ashes on their head to show that they were mourning. In Isaiah 61:3 Christ makes a beautiful promise to trade those ashes for beauty.

I chose this particular verse, because my sinful nature breaks my heart. Daily, it makes me want to mourn. But here is the thing that gives me great joy:

Only God could take something as ugly, messy, and horrible as our sin and turn it into something as beautiful as death raised to life just to give us life more abundant and free. 

The second reason I got that particular verse on my arm is because I feel like I have dealt with the death of too many family members in my life. (First my 9 year old cousin, then her mom, followed by my uncle within 2 1/2 years. Then another cousin and my aunt a few years later.)  

In 2011, My Aunt Becky's funeral was the first funeral I attended since my younger cousins in 1999. 

I have attended the 'viewing' part of the funeral of family members, but never the actual funerals after my younger cousin passed away.

Aunt Becky was my closest Aunt on my Grandad's side. I loved her so, so much! I just remember sitting there listening to the preacher talk about her life while tears streamed down my face. 

For every death and funeral home 'viewing' that I had witnessed before my Aunt Becky, I had always been able to detach myself in the midst of things and just observe while each person grieved in his/her own way then I would go home and grieve in my own way in private....

BUT not this time. I just let it go. I sat there in that funeral home during the services..and I grieved her loss. Right there. Like it was just me and her. I didn't care who saw. I just grieved the loss of her precious life. 

I remembered the walks we would take down the dirt roads by her house just chatting. I remembered searching for arrowheads and gems on those dirt roads..(I had an awesome rock collection, thanks to her! ) 

I remembered our wonderful visit just a few days earlier when we sat around reminiscing about old times. I listened to her tell stories about my Grandad and what life was like when they were children. I missed her terribly. I still miss her. 

My Aunt Becky had a way of making you feel special. She made you feel like you could conquer the world and take on anything. 

She was a gentle, quiet spirit, but she was also strong and steadfast. She was always the one person that knew how to take this free-spirit and keep her feet on the ground. For her, I will always be grateful.

I've hidden Isaiah 61:3 in my heart for those days that I need to remind myself that for those who mourn, God gave a crown of beauty for ashes....

Just thinking about how death, or loss of any kind has impacted my life and how sadness almost became a routine thing for me just made that verse seem fitting for me and fitting to share with the world. 

A day at the museum!

It's always a great day when you can spend the day enjoying long, God-centered conversations, laughing, and catching up with a close friend you don't get to see often! 

It's an even better day when you get to enjoy those things while watching your children play and make memories with that particular friend's children. It's like icing on the cake if you ask me!

Yesterday, I got to do just that! 

The kids and I got to spend the day at EdVenture children's museum with my friend Maureen and her kids! It was such a treat watching the kids play and seeing them enjoy each other's company. There was so much joy, laughter, fun, and a little bit of learning too! 

Here they are at the butterfly exhibit checking out the different species of butterflies!

I think the Zebra swallowtail was everyone's favorite!

They got to be veterinarian's for a little while;-) 

There was a quick puppet show!

Lunch and cow 'hats' at chick fil a! 

Lot's of grocery shopping!

And lot's of holding hands when we crossed the street!

What a treasure all of these kids are! I'm so thankful for my friendship with Maureen and the Broggi family! 

And I'm certainly looking forward to many visits like this!

The bigger picture.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

My heart was so heavy as I drove home from Charleston yesterday.
For the past week, I've stuck close beside my dad's side of the family as we pray and wait. A few weeks ago my cousin (age 22) was diagnosed with cancer and is fighting for his life in ICU at MUSC.
We are all thankful for the doctors who are doing all they can to sustain his life but still my heart aches.
My heart aches, not just as his cousin but as a mother. I can't imagine what my aunt is going through or how she feels as she watches while her oldest son continues to fight this horrible cancer.
My heart aches for my grandparents and the rest of my cousin's, aunt's, and uncle's.
My heart aches for his fiancé as I watch her stay strong and continue to hold the hand of her future husband.
My heart aches through and through.
As I drove home I couldn't help but weep as I thought of the suffering so many of my loved one's are enduring right now.
I thought of my younger cousin who wanted to know why bad things happen to good people. He didn't understand.
To be honest, as I continued the long drive down I-26, I wanted to make sense of and understand the why, and how these kinds of things happen too.
I trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I know God is good and faithful. I know He works all things together for the good of those who love the Him, but with something like this, It's hard to see how anything good could come out of it.
But then...
I thought of how the community has rallied together in Jordan's honor and how so many have cried out to God on his behalf. I thought about one girl who posted on his support group on Facebook that she hadn't prayed in a while and had turned from God and how this has made her return to Him.
Those are not just good things; those are great things!
God also reminded me that nothing on this earth that we go through compares to the suffering His one and only Son endured on that cross. Even if we can't understand our own suffering or why these kinds of things happen, our Heavenly Father does. And He longs to bring us comfort.
He said in his word that, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
I read this quote from my devotion this morning that said, "Are you asking why this should be, believer? Look upward to your heavenly Father, and behold Him pure and holy. Do you know that you are one day to be like Him? Will you easily be conformed to His image? Will you not require much refining in the furnace of affliction to purify you? Will it be an easy thing to get rid of your corruptions and make you perfect even as your Father in heaven is perfect?"-Alistair Begg
God desires us to be more like Him. In order to do that he must refine us and that process hurts.
My heart continues to hurt for Jordan and the rest of my family, but I will seek comfort in the most high. I will continue to trust in His goodness even when I can't see the bigger picture.
I know that God uses all things for His glory, and I know that He is faithful to his promise's.