I'm afraid I would miss her

As many of you know, we recently decided to take Ellie Kate out of preschool.I remember the first time we introduced the idea to her.She said,"Well,I would like it but I'm afraid I would miss you." That tugged at my heart big time!But once we visited the school and met her teacher and soon to be classmates, she was excited to go.We decided to take her out not because we didn't like the school or that we didn't feel like she was learning there.She was learning so much!She was learning all of the basic things a three year old needs to know, memorizing scripture and they all attended chapel each friday.It is such a wonderful christian school and her teacher is one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met.With all of that being said, I'm sure you are all wondering why we took her out.Well it goes a little like this......
The day Jude arrived we all had to adjust to life as a family of four.I just knew it was going to be hard for Ellie Kate.Afterall, she had been the only child for three and a half years. I couldn't have been more wrong. She was so wonderful with Jude!She would help with anything she was capable of helping with and the things she didn't know how to help with,she wanted to learn...I will say that part took a little patience for all of us but i was just glad she loved him so much.
As the next two weeks went on, I was trying to nurse a baby with reflux, who was very colicky, and he was having other tummy issues.I was having to focus so much time and energy on him and his needs that the many suggestions to put Ellie Kate in preschool seemed very logical. I thought it might give her an oppurtunity to enjoy some playtime with friends, since I wasn't available to her as much.Even as Stephen and I discussed this and agreed it would probably be a good idea,I was still wrestling with the logical side of the idea vs. how I felt about it in my heart. I thought i was just feeling that way and being so emotional because i had just delivered a baby .
Jude's tummy issues continued to get worse so i stopped nursing and tried pretty much every formula out there(at least that's what it felt like!).So, here i was dropping Ellie Kate off at school and running from appt. to appt. with Jude. Not to mention I was doing it all alone because Stephen works out of town most of the time.All  of the running around I was doing, the late nights and extremely early mornings, none of that compared to the inner struggle I was dealing with in wanting my sweet girl home with me. I just kept praying that somehow i would get some peace about the whole thing. When I went to my six week check up with my doctor(who is a very sweet christian woman), I showed up with my strong, have it all together face and appearance.She asked how things were going and of course i didn't cry in front of her or anything.(everyone who knows me knows that crying and me go together about like...well, we just don't.At least not in front of anyone).I told her "Stephen is gone most of the time and Jude is colicky and has acid reflux so we decided to put Ellie Kate in preschool."Without even looking up she said very quietly and sweet,"Well, you know thats o.k.,but that can be really hard on a new mom because you are responsible for being on someone else's schedule and your having to disrupt Jude's sleep schedule to get her there and pick her up."I think I knew that God was giving me a little "woohoo! hello!" but like most of us I just brushed it off. She asked if I needed some medication to deal with all of this. I told her no.She said with a smile,"I know you and I know you dont like to complain.Are you sure?"I told her no again. While i'm sure medication is helpful for some,I like to face my problems head on with help from God's word and the encouraging women and men he has placed in my life.I feel like medicating a problem doesnt really teach us how to deal with the issue directly.
I really just kept praying and seeking godly advice from every bible-believing resource I could find.I have a very sweet prayer partner who continued to pray for me as i dealt with this issue.Stephen came home from work that Friday night and while cooking dinner, I blurted out to him that I just did not want to send her to school anymore.I knew she loved it but I wanted her home with Jude and me during the day and that I was really exhausted from the 25 min. drive there and back twice a day.He said,"where did that come from?"I told him everything I had been feeling and after praying about it together, we decided it would be best to keep her at home.
So, why did we take her out if she was learning so much and loves her teacher?Because Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." If I were not capable of teaching my daughter scripture or the things she was learning in school it would be one thing.If I had to work outside of our home it would be another. But I don't work outside of our home and I am not just capable of, but am responsible for teaching my children these things. For as long as Stephen and I have known each other, he knows I had and have a strong conviction to be a worker in our home.While I am very thankful for the wonderful teacher Ellie Kate had and for such a great christian school, I could not imagine missing out on the responsibility of helping her grow in knowledge and in her faith.So, I know she loved going to school but I'm just afraid I would miss her:)