Not Abandoned.

Isaiah 49:15-16 "Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.

So.. here's the truth. 

I struggle with feelings of abandonment. 

Even within the four walls of a home where I had a loving childhood and a mom and dad who were always present; I have always struggled with feeling alone and by myself. 

There have been times in my life when these feelings were not just a feeling, but were as real as they get. Times when I've had to face myself. Times when I was left here picking up pieces of myself that I never thought I'd be able to put back together. 

There have been times when the feeling of abandonment has been/is just a feeling. It's almost like I'm sitting on ready and waiting for it to happen. It's like I'm expecting it, so I build up these walls of protection around my heart. 

I know it's such a backwards and unhealthy way of thinking but I'm working through this with every fiber of my being.

Lately, I've been searching scripture and praying that God would give me insight. He has been so faithful to "remove the plank from my eye" and tear down walls I didn't even know I'd built. 

These particular moments have really taught me to lean on my faith and trust that the only one who is able to fulfill my deepest desires is the one who promises to never leave me or forsake me. 

As I head into a new season of marriage where God brings two souls together as one, I want to remain humble. I have to remember that even though marriage sometimes highlights our sinful nature more often than ever;  I can't depend on my future spouse to fulfill the needs that only Jesus can fulfill.

Sometimes we choose people who hurt us, leave us, and make us feel alone and God uses those people to teach us; sometimes the God of the universe, the God who created our inner most being gives us people to love us unconditionally and make us the person we are supposed to be. Sometimes He gives us friends who tell the truth even when it hurts. Sometimes He gives us a future spouse who makes us seek Him more without even knowing it. 

Either way, I don't know all the mysteries of the one who holds the stars and knows the numbers of hairs on my head; but tonight I know I'm trusting Him and tonight, because of His faithfulness I'm not feeling so alone.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 says: 

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

I don't know why I felt the need to share this tonight, but I know that I want more than anything for my writing and everything here on this space to glorify the one who died for you and me. I also want my readers to feel like they are not alone in their struggles. I pray that if your are struggling in this area tonight you are so encouraged; and that you remember you are never alone. 

Milestones.

 

It's still sinking in that I have a third grader, but the fact that I sent my baby boy to kindergarten on Monday makes my head spin a little. 

Okay..he's not a baby anymore, but I think I'm allowed to linger in that mindset for just a few more seconds, right?

I didn't cry when I left his classroom on Monday or Yesterday. In fact, I didn't even cry when I sat down in a really quiet, empty house the very first day. 

For the past 8 years I've stayed home with my children, so Monday and Tuesday there was tons of work to be done. I needed to organize, plan, and make to-do list's. The quiet didn't bother me as much because I was busy working in my home. 

I'm really good at keeping myself together in the moment. It's usually when it's all over that the emotions come flooding. 

And they did.  

I dropped both Ellie Kate and Jude off in the car-line this morning. I watched them wave goodbye as they walked toward the school. I looked back and saw them chatting with one of their favorite teachers. They both looked happy and confident; like everything I pray for them and instill in them as they slowly inch away from the nest. 

Jude was proudly taking his first steps toward independence. Ellie Kate was there to lead him if he needed it and to reassure him it was all going to be just fine. My mama-heart melted a little.

But it really hit me when what usually takes all day with my boy at home took a measly few hours today. When I finished all my errands and tidied up the quiet house my mind got quiet. 

When my mind gets quiet; my heart gets loud. 

I began to miss the noise and the constant "mommy, I need this", "mommy, can you help me?" 

I thought about my wild child and how much he loves to run free and make others laugh. I thought about how grown up he looked when I left him yesterday while he was sitting in his spot on the mat with all of his classmates. 

I began to wonder what he looked like sliding his tray across the food line telling the lunch lady what he would like her to put on his plate. Was he able to hold his tray steady as he walked to his seat? 

Which friend did he sit by?

Is he scared? Excited? 

All these thoughts and memories flooded through my mind, straight out of my eyes then down my cheeks. 

I thought about each year that I've invested in teaching him and nurturing him at home. 

I wanted to know.. Did I do ok? Did I encourage you enough to know you will be just fine? Did I let you make enough mistakes so that you know that mistakes are okay as long as you try your best? Did I invest in you and nurture you at home long enough for you to feel secure? 

Even though I'd seen my kiddos looking like everything I pray for them, I still wondered if they felt that way on the inside too. 

As a mother my first goal is to teach my children to love the lord with all their heart. My second goal is to raise independent children. I want Ellie Kate and Jude to know that they are so loved. I also want them to know that they don't have to depend on me for everything. I want them to have the confidence to take the next step. I will be their biggest cheerleader, encourage them, and catch them if they fall but I need them to know that they can do it. They are smart and strong. I believe in them. I have faith that they can move mountains; and if they can't, I hope they at least have the courage to try. 

I hope that as their mother I will set an example of: 

The importance and reward that comes with the contentment of being themselves. 

The satisfaction that's found in persevering and accomplishing what they never thought possible.

The joy that comes from choosing the things that please the lord and trusting that the things mentioned above are only found in Him. 

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."

I'm so proud of each of my children. They are so different from each other in so many ways but they are both learning, growing and becoming who God created them to be and that brings me so much confidence. 

Marco Island.

Summer 2015 comes to an end on Sunday.  

Bright and early Monday morning Ellie Kate is headed to 3rd grade, and be still my heart...my little Jude dude is headed to kindergarten! Ahhh! Where have these years gone?! 

I'm saving the emotions for the ride home on Monday so for now I'll just move along to sharing some photos from our vacation to Marco Island! 

It was absolutely gorgeous there! 

These are the abandoned dome homes  in Cape Ramono. We took the jet ski out into the gulf and this was the one spot I begged to hit up first. 

We had dinner at CJ's on the bay which had the best kale salad and loveliest view!

We gave the paddle boards a shot one afternoon! The tide was low so we didn't get to explore as many spots, but it was a fun, laid-back past time. 

And then there was Joey's. So. Much. Fun! This place rocked. The food and atmosphere were awesome.  We met a pretty cool couple there, exchanged numbers and met up with them a couple of nights during our stay. 

Marker 8.5 is a restaurant in Goodland. We wanted a cool, local hangout and this is where we were sent. Delicious! 

We spent lots of time here.. And here! 

*The lipstick I'm wearing in this photo is by Who's the Fairest cosmetics in the shade 'Mirage'. It's my favorite! 

I made sure it was one of the first thing's I packed!

You can purchase it and several other gorgeous colors by clicking here: www.holycitymua.com

The sunsets were breath-taking and I think I'll miss them the most!

Our last stop was in Brooksville on the way home to meet up with some of Ryan's family. What a fun crew. His family is truly the best... And his Aunt Belinda (standing next to me in the photo) makes the most scrumptious chocolate chip cookies!

I hope everyone has had a super summer. 

Next up, I'll be sharing some photos from our trip to Ohio! 

Happy Humpday!

For the broken-hearted.

"The fact that our heart yearns for something Earth can’t supply is proof that Heaven must be our home." -CS Lewis

Have you ever been so exhausted..mentally, physically, emotionally that you feel like you can't really even find the words to say when you're praying? 

One of my favorite songs is a prayer that says "Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause..As I walk from nothing to eternity."

Lately there are things on my heart that I have no control over: the souls who refuse to accept the gospel or anything to do with it, one of my precious little one's who is brilliant, wild and free- My mini me who can't sit still to save his life but starts kindergarten in one week. My type A/future CEO who is also brilliant, but stresses things far beyond her years. 

Then there are the things that come with being a single mother that get the best of me. Moments when I'm lying in bed alone and the long day is over. When I'm too exhausted to sleep and begin to replay moments I wish could have gone differently or wish could be understood by the misconceived perceptions of onlookers, struggles my children face that I hope will only make them stronger and more compassionate. 

I'm quickly reminded in these circumstances:

Sometimes all you can do is ask God to search your heart, trust that he hears you; and even though you can't find the words to speak you can know that He will hear your heart's deepest desires, he will answer according to His will, and work all things together for your good. 

Romans 8:26-28  “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

The night is creeping into the wee hours of the morning. 

My heart was breaking for things that are out of my control and was so heavy as I laid my head down but I remembered this verse:

Matthew 11:28-29  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

In a literal sense, the word ‘Yoke’ means a bar of wood constructed to unite two animals (usually oxen), enabling them to work in the fields, drawing loads, pulling instruments used for farming. 

In the Bible, it is figuratively used as a symbol. 

As a follower of Christ, it's so easy to be burdened and get caught up in the mindset of taking on the world but sometimes we can't and we don't always have to. 

Jesus wants to break our hearts for what breaks his, but more importantly he wants us to know that he's humble in heart and there's nothing that we can't come to him with. Even in all our sinful, selfish, often prideful ways- or nights when our hearts are heavy and we are burdened with things in this world, we can come to him, lay it all down at his feet and rest our weary soul. 

Life is not always in our control, but it is in the hands of a God who is sovereign and who's plan is so much greater than our own. 

We can trust that the yoke of Jesus Christ is easy and his burden won't weigh us down. 

Life may not go as smoothly as we hope or in the timely manner we desire; but we can trust in the hope of Jesus Christ and the God who works all things together for the good of those who love him. 

In that hope we can find rest.