Not Abandoned.

Isaiah 49:15-16 "Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.

So.. here's the truth. 

I struggle with feelings of abandonment. 

Even within the four walls of a home where I had a loving childhood and a mom and dad who were always present; I have always struggled with feeling alone and by myself. 

There have been times in my life when these feelings were not just a feeling, but were as real as they get. Times when I've had to face myself. Times when I was left here picking up pieces of myself that I never thought I'd be able to put back together. 

There have been times when the feeling of abandonment has been/is just a feeling. It's almost like I'm sitting on ready and waiting for it to happen. It's like I'm expecting it, so I build up these walls of protection around my heart. 

I know it's such a backwards and unhealthy way of thinking but I'm working through this with every fiber of my being.

Lately, I've been searching scripture and praying that God would give me insight. He has been so faithful to "remove the plank from my eye" and tear down walls I didn't even know I'd built. 

These particular moments have really taught me to lean on my faith and trust that the only one who is able to fulfill my deepest desires is the one who promises to never leave me or forsake me. 

As I head into a new season of marriage where God brings two souls together as one, I want to remain humble. I have to remember that even though marriage sometimes highlights our sinful nature more often than ever;  I can't depend on my future spouse to fulfill the needs that only Jesus can fulfill.

Sometimes we choose people who hurt us, leave us, and make us feel alone and God uses those people to teach us; sometimes the God of the universe, the God who created our inner most being gives us people to love us unconditionally and make us the person we are supposed to be. Sometimes He gives us friends who tell the truth even when it hurts. Sometimes He gives us a future spouse who makes us seek Him more without even knowing it. 

Either way, I don't know all the mysteries of the one who holds the stars and knows the numbers of hairs on my head; but tonight I know I'm trusting Him and tonight, because of His faithfulness I'm not feeling so alone.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 says: 

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

I don't know why I felt the need to share this tonight, but I know that I want more than anything for my writing and everything here on this space to glorify the one who died for you and me. I also want my readers to feel like they are not alone in their struggles. I pray that if your are struggling in this area tonight you are so encouraged; and that you remember you are never alone.