Milestones.

 

It's still sinking in that I have a third grader, but the fact that I sent my baby boy to kindergarten on Monday makes my head spin a little. 

Okay..he's not a baby anymore, but I think I'm allowed to linger in that mindset for just a few more seconds, right?

I didn't cry when I left his classroom on Monday or Yesterday. In fact, I didn't even cry when I sat down in a really quiet, empty house the very first day. 

For the past 8 years I've stayed home with my children, so Monday and Tuesday there was tons of work to be done. I needed to organize, plan, and make to-do list's. The quiet didn't bother me as much because I was busy working in my home. 

I'm really good at keeping myself together in the moment. It's usually when it's all over that the emotions come flooding. 

And they did.  

I dropped both Ellie Kate and Jude off in the car-line this morning. I watched them wave goodbye as they walked toward the school. I looked back and saw them chatting with one of their favorite teachers. They both looked happy and confident; like everything I pray for them and instill in them as they slowly inch away from the nest. 

Jude was proudly taking his first steps toward independence. Ellie Kate was there to lead him if he needed it and to reassure him it was all going to be just fine. My mama-heart melted a little.

But it really hit me when what usually takes all day with my boy at home took a measly few hours today. When I finished all my errands and tidied up the quiet house my mind got quiet. 

When my mind gets quiet; my heart gets loud. 

I began to miss the noise and the constant "mommy, I need this", "mommy, can you help me?" 

I thought about my wild child and how much he loves to run free and make others laugh. I thought about how grown up he looked when I left him yesterday while he was sitting in his spot on the mat with all of his classmates. 

I began to wonder what he looked like sliding his tray across the food line telling the lunch lady what he would like her to put on his plate. Was he able to hold his tray steady as he walked to his seat? 

Which friend did he sit by?

Is he scared? Excited? 

All these thoughts and memories flooded through my mind, straight out of my eyes then down my cheeks. 

I thought about each year that I've invested in teaching him and nurturing him at home. 

I wanted to know.. Did I do ok? Did I encourage you enough to know you will be just fine? Did I let you make enough mistakes so that you know that mistakes are okay as long as you try your best? Did I invest in you and nurture you at home long enough for you to feel secure? 

Even though I'd seen my kiddos looking like everything I pray for them, I still wondered if they felt that way on the inside too. 

As a mother my first goal is to teach my children to love the lord with all their heart. My second goal is to raise independent children. I want Ellie Kate and Jude to know that they are so loved. I also want them to know that they don't have to depend on me for everything. I want them to have the confidence to take the next step. I will be their biggest cheerleader, encourage them, and catch them if they fall but I need them to know that they can do it. They are smart and strong. I believe in them. I have faith that they can move mountains; and if they can't, I hope they at least have the courage to try. 

I hope that as their mother I will set an example of: 

The importance and reward that comes with the contentment of being themselves. 

The satisfaction that's found in persevering and accomplishing what they never thought possible.

The joy that comes from choosing the things that please the lord and trusting that the things mentioned above are only found in Him. 

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."

I'm so proud of each of my children. They are so different from each other in so many ways but they are both learning, growing and becoming who God created them to be and that brings me so much confidence.